I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business. -Joan Rivers Friendship
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. -Joan Rivers God
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'. -Joan Rivers Death
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. -Joan Rivers Funny
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences. -Joan Rivers Learning
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. -Joan Rivers War
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. -Joan Rivers Funny
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers Funny
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. -Joan Rivers Wisdom
Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off. -Joan Rivers Trust
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. -Joan Rivers Dad
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' -Joan Rivers Home
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. -Joan Rivers Car
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. -Joan Rivers Funny
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. -Joan Rivers Wisdom
