I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

- Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

- Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

- Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

- Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

- Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

- Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

- Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

- Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

- Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

- Woody Allen