I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. - Steven Wright 1 Share Now -
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. - Steven Wright 2 Share Now -
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. - Steven Wright 3 Share Now -
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Steven Wright 4 Share Now -
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? - Steven Wright 5 Share Now -
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. - Steven Wright 6 Share Now -
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. - Steven Wright 7 Share Now -
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. - Steven Wright 9 Share Now -
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. - Steven Wright 10 Share Now -
