A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

- Robert Orben

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

- Robert Orben

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

- Robert Orben

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

- Robert Orben

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

- Robert Orben

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

- Robert Orben

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

- Robert Orben

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

- Robert Orben

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

- Robert Orben

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

- Robert Orben