I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business. - Joan Rivers 1 Share Now -
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. - Joan Rivers 2 Share Now -
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'. - Joan Rivers 3 Share Now -
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. - Joan Rivers 4 Share Now -
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences. - Joan Rivers 5 Share Now -
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. - Joan Rivers 7 Share Now -
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. - Joan Rivers 8 Share Now -
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers 10 Share Now -
