You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

- Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

- Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

- Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

- Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

- Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

- Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

- Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

- Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

- Emo Philips