I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. -Steven Wright Home
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. -Steven Wright Birthday
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. -Steven Wright Legal
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? -Steven Wright Space
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. -Steven Wright Relationship
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. -Steven Wright Car
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. -Steven Wright Birthday
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. -Steven Wright Time
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. -Steven Wright Pet
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' -Steven Wright Morning
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. -Steven Wright Art
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. -Steven Wright Imagination
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. -Steven Wright Imagination
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. -Steven Wright Power
