I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. -Rita Rudner Birthday
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. -Rita Rudner Men
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. -Rita Rudner Medical
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. -Rita Rudner Age
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. -Rita Rudner Movingon
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner Marriage
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner Parenting
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? -Rita Rudner Women
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. -Rita Rudner Marriage
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. -Rita Rudner Humor
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner Marriage
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner Relationship
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner Men
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. -Rita Rudner Great
Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. -Rita Rudner Independence
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. -Rita Rudner Pet
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' -Rita Rudner Dating
