I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. -Mitch Hedberg Birthday
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. -Mitch Hedberg Car
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. -Mitch Hedberg Good
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. -Mitch Hedberg Morning
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. -Mitch Hedberg Work
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! -Mitch Hedberg Amazing
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg Business
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. -Mitch Hedberg Women
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! -Mitch Hedberg Funny
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. -Mitch Hedberg Dating
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. -Mitch Hedberg Great
